Dear Back Fat

Dear Back Fat,
I do not love you anymore. Frankly I am not sure that I ever truly loved you. To be perfectly honest, at first I didn't even notice you. Like a creepy, jiggley stalker,you followed me around ever so quietly. Not a sound. You slowly became a part of my life, yet I do not remember welcoming you.
Of course you have your strong points, I would never deny you this. You've been so willing to commit without a single complaint. Remember that time I practically smothered you when I was out with my friends in my hot skinny jeans? They didn't even notice you. Yet you were willing to just stick with this girl like the icing from a little debbie double fudge brownie. Don't believe that I am heartless. I won't forget how you kept me warm that night in Jersey, when the heat went out and Tony never showed like he said he would.
All this you offered...but... I just do not feel right when I am with you. You make me feel like a rock covered in slimy green moss. Well, I am not a rock and I do not love you, and this. is. goodbye.
You can start moving out while I am out for a run today. I will burn any speck of you that you leave behind. We are so over. You are so over.

Wishes,
Neena